As we all know being pregnant means a continuously changing
body. In my head I know that logic. The thing is when it actually happens it is
still baffling. The changes that happen are gradual from day one you don’t look
down at your stomach to see the visual shift in your body. Usually, there is a moment
where you look down and realize your body has changed with or without your
consent. I would imagine that everyone’s response would be slightly different.
Being an avid Pinterest user you see so many women embrace the changes and talk
about the blessing of a miracle resting in their stomach. Unfortunately my
moment wasn't so beautiful.
My
first trimester I was really good about eating all the right foods and did my pregnancy yoga almost every day! Oh I
thought I had this pregnancy thing nipped in the butt! And when we would throw
in a walk and some tennis now and again I felt like I was on top of this
pregnancy. Not to mention I had very little morning sickness that only seemed
to last about two weeks. Sadly the second trimester came. Just to clear the air
I am happy about being pregnant, and love my child dearly! It is a miracle that
is growing inside me. I see every day of her inside me as blessing. I was,
however, unprepared for how different I would feel in each trimester.
A lot
of pregnancy books talk about smooth sailing in the second trimester. Maybe I
was left off too easy in the first trimester that the pregnancy world thought
that I got my share of miserable side effects of building a baby. If it were
possible that all the energy could be sucked out of me at the same time for an
extended period of time, then that definitely happened to me. I mean to get up
in the morning and do yoga sounds like you are asking me to pull cement blocks
that weigh 1,000 pounds each! It might sound a bit dramatic to some, but my
body says otherwise. I wish to take naps instead of doing just about anything
else, and it never matters how early I go to bed I still want to hit the snooze
button in the morning. I have asked my nurse multiple times what I could be
doing wrong. Am I not eating properly? Do I need to be doing more? With such a
sweet smile she always replies “Today your body could be growing an ear, and it’s
exhausting. Cut yourself a break and go take a nap.” Nope. That can’t be it. I
must just be lazy I continue to think. My nurse, the only one who knows what
she is talking about, is probably the only one that cuts me any kind of slack.
Myself, and others seem to wonder why my body doesn't function as it did in the
first trimester.
The
other day my husband thought it would be a good idea to take me to get some
maternity garments. He had realized I had been a little frustrated and
uncomfortable in my pre-pregnancy clothing. Now for a moment let me praise
where praise is due. He helped me sort through racks trying to help find my new
size and the right fit that I prefer. I believe he helped search for about half
an hour. Before we eloped I would have never guessed that any husband would do
such a daunting task, but I don’t think I could have picked a better partner if
I had tried! As I was in the fitting
room trying things on it finally dawned on me that I really was pregnant. My
belly had grown in what seemed overnight since I had yet to notice it. It took
everything in me not to cry right then. I had never seen my body so drastically
different. I understand why it was happening, but somehow my goal of only
gaining the necessary weight that the baby needs had slipped from me and I was
now in a bit of excess. Before I get the chants and raves about how we are
supposed to gain weight during pregnancy hear me out. I was advised by my nurse
and midwife to try and gain only the necessary weight. I had enough cushion
that I didn’t need much more to still have a healthy baby. There are a lot of
females that were raised to be conscious about their bodies and being able to
fit certain measurements. I definitely was one of them. Being a chubby little
girl I was reminded of it almost daily. Something about my rebel spirit hated
the norm and wanted to fight back and let my body do as it wished, and the
other part of me wanted to feel good and fit in. Continuously living with a
back and forth struggle apparently came through in my pregnancy. I have heard
that a lot of our dirty skeletons seem to creep out of the closet and haunt us
while we are pregnant. Maybe it’s to help purge the crap in our lives before we
take on the role of caring for another human being. I don’t really know. All I
know is that my moment was not as pretty and the shame that came with that wasn’t
pretty either.
There
always seems to be bright side though. I realized that there is a baby girl
growing within me. I realized that there will always be standards spoken or
unspoken about how a woman “should” be, and then the beauty hit me. In about
four months I will be a mother to a little lady. She will learn what society
has to tell her, but she will also learn what mommy lives out. I could keep the
cycle going that I hate, or I can be aware from before she takes her first
breath of air. I want to show her that we can be healthy and beautiful. That
there is no need to go back and forth hating our bodies, but rather we can make
good choices and have fun at the same time. It has taken me all of this time to
realize that there is a balance that we can search for. The time delay probably
has something to do with the act that I am very much wired to one way or
another. I have never been an in between type of person. This can be good for
things like marriage and work, but bad for things that need to find a middle
ground. I also realized that what I truly saw in the mirror this week I thought
I had been seeing for years. I had such a distorted view of what I looked like.
So my delusions were shattered and now there is a new perspective for me and
this little life growing inside me.
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