The past twenty-four hours have been one of the hardest periods I have faced thus far. I was warned, but nothing could have prepared me for what was truly to come. On July 14th of this past year I found out that I was pregnant. Probably like most women in their first pregnancy I took more test than I care to admit. One can never be to certain. At the moment it seem life shattering that none of the test were faulty or old. The next one only seemed to confirm the last. I was 100% pregnant. Being unmarried when you find out you are pregnant is a little shaky. Not only is the person relying on you for everything before you even know they are there, but your life choices haven't led to a stable environment for them to come into this world to. I was truly blessed because my boyfriend at the time was ready for a family and wanted to support the both of us. We eloped less than two weeks later.
August 14th started off as an ordinary day. I had cleaned up around the house a bit and was working on a puzzle my husband and I had bought. Suddenly I faced the most intense pain of my life. I began to cramp and spot. I called the doctors office and another midwife and everyone told me to wait it out. The pain grew worse and by this point it had been three hours of intense pain. I wondered how I could ever get through a labor when this pain had me curled up and crying. Finally, the professionals got back to me and suggested that I go to the hospital. At this point I was more than just spotting. As I was being driven to the hospital I cried as I called both parents back home to let them know what was most likely coming. To skip the horrid details things were worse after being in the hospital for two hours. I left that night with a prescription for the pain and no baby in my womb.
I wouldn't imagine that me saying the next month or so I was in a serious depression. I wasted days away watching t.v. so I wouldn't have to feel the pain or worse the fact that I could feel no pain because I was numb most days. I finally began to start to peel myself off the couch and try to be here and present for my husband and for my own sake. I slowly felt life filling me little by little. October 14th rolled around and I had already missed my period. There is no way to explain the feeling of wanting to be pregnant and fearing the very thought of pregnancy. Somehow I bought another pregnancy test that worked. Where were these false pregnancy tests I have always heard about? Not in my stores obviously! It took time to realize that, though I was excited to be pregnant, this baby was not the baby I lost it was a new baby. When that moment of truth first surfaced I resented being pregnant.
I was scared for how much pain I went through losing my first child that I feared loving this child. There couldn't possibly be so much love in my heart to go around to another baby. After all, I wasn't finished grieving yet. It took as long as the five month ultra sound to begin to let go of the first baby and focus on this baby. Once they told me that she was growing healthy in my womb I began to relax.So much so that today crept up on me, though I really don't believe there was any preparing for it. Today was my expected due date for my first child. I didn't realize it until last night, but when I did I couldn't stop the overwhelming pain connected to it. More tears came then I thought could, since this wasn't the first tear shed over the loss of my child. Today more tears came. There is guilt and shame that tied to those tears for another life is inside of me holding on to life and growing strong. It is hard to love both knowing one survived and one didn't. It is such a painful and bizarre set of emotions. I do know I will always love both, but my heart will always long for the baby I lost. The baby waiting in heaven.
My dearest little one,
Today would have been your birthday. I would have welcomed you gladly. I am sorry that at first I wasn't overwhelmed with joy. I didn't know at the time what a precious gift I had. You brought such love into my life though I never got the chance to hold you. Because of you I now have your daddy to hold and be held by in the good and bad times. Holding you in my belly for the short time made me a better woman and prepared me to love unselfishly. I still try to hold to that for your daddy, but with you it somehow came a little more naturally. Your sister sits where you use to lay inside of me. I know you wouldn't mind and would be happy to share. Losing you was the greatest pain I have ever felt. In the short time you were with me you changed the person I was and led me to start becoming the person I am today and will become. I wanted to give you the best, but if we are being honest the best isn't with me it's in heaven. Knowing this doesn't seem to take away the pain of missing out on the chance to name you, hold you or even watch you grow. Mommy must be a little selfish that way I guess. You were mine for only a short time, but you changed me for the better. Thank you the your presence inside me if only for a little while.
Until we are united again,
Your mommy
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