My little one

The past twenty-four hours have been one of the hardest periods I have faced thus far. I was warned, but nothing could have prepared me for what was truly to come. On July 14th of this past year I found out that I was pregnant. Probably like most women in their first pregnancy I took more test than I care to admit. One can never be to certain. At the moment it seem life shattering that none of the test were faulty or old. The next one only seemed to confirm the last. I was 100% pregnant. Being unmarried when you find out you are pregnant is a little shaky. Not only is the person relying on you for everything before you even know they are there, but your life choices haven't led to a stable environment for them to come into this world to. I was truly blessed because my boyfriend at the time was ready for a family and wanted to support the both of us. We eloped less than two weeks later.

August 14th started off as an ordinary day. I had cleaned up around the house a bit and was working on a puzzle my husband and I had bought. Suddenly I faced the most intense pain of my life. I began to cramp and spot. I called the doctors office and another midwife and everyone told me to wait it out. The pain grew worse and by this point it had been three hours of intense pain. I wondered how I could ever get through a labor when this pain had me curled up and crying. Finally, the professionals got back to me and suggested that I go to the hospital. At this point I was more than just spotting. As I was being driven to the hospital I cried as I called both parents back home to let them know what was most likely coming. To skip the horrid details things were worse after being in the hospital for two hours. I left that night with a prescription for the pain and no baby in my womb.

I wouldn't imagine that me saying the next month or so I was in a serious depression. I wasted days away watching t.v. so I wouldn't have to feel the pain or worse the fact that I could feel no pain because I was numb most days. I finally began to start to peel myself off the couch and try to be here and present for my husband and for my own sake. I slowly felt life filling me little by little. October 14th rolled around and I had already missed my period. There is no way to explain the feeling of wanting to be pregnant and fearing the very thought of pregnancy. Somehow I bought another pregnancy test that worked. Where were these false pregnancy tests I have always heard about? Not in my stores obviously! It took time to realize that, though I was excited to be pregnant, this baby was not the baby I lost it was a new baby. When that moment of truth first surfaced I resented being pregnant.

I was scared for how much pain I went through losing my first child that I feared loving this child. There couldn't possibly be so much love in my heart to go around to another baby. After all, I wasn't finished grieving yet. It took as long as the five month ultra sound to begin to let go of the first baby and focus on this baby. Once they told me that she was growing healthy in my womb I began to relax.So much so that today crept up on me, though I really don't believe there was any preparing for it. Today was my expected due date for my first child. I didn't realize it until last night, but when I did I couldn't stop the overwhelming pain connected to it. More tears came then I thought could, since this wasn't the first tear shed over the loss of my child. Today more tears came. There is guilt and shame that tied to those tears for another life is inside of me holding on to life and growing strong. It is hard to love both knowing one survived and one didn't. It is such a painful and bizarre set of emotions. I do know I will always love both, but my heart will always long for the baby I lost. The baby waiting in heaven.

My dearest little one,
Today would have been your birthday. I would have welcomed you gladly. I am sorry that at first I wasn't overwhelmed with joy. I didn't know at the time what a precious gift I had. You brought such love into my life though I never got the chance to hold you. Because of you I now have your daddy to hold and be held by in the good and bad times. Holding you in my belly for the short time made me a better woman and prepared me to love unselfishly. I still try to hold to that for your daddy, but with you it somehow came a little more naturally. Your sister sits where you use to lay inside of me. I know you wouldn't mind and would be happy to share. Losing you was the greatest pain I have ever felt. In the short time you were with me you changed the person I was and led me to start becoming the person I am today and will become. I wanted to give you the best, but if we are being honest the best isn't with me it's in heaven. Knowing this doesn't seem to take away the pain of missing out on the chance to name you, hold you or even watch you grow. Mommy must be a little selfish that way I guess. You were mine for only a short time, but you changed me for the better. Thank you the your presence inside me if only for a little while.

Until we are united again,
Your mommy

The less than bliss moments

As we all know being pregnant means a continuously changing body. In my head I know that logic. The thing is when it actually happens it is still baffling. The changes that happen are gradual from day one you don’t look down at your stomach to see the visual shift in your body. Usually, there is a moment where you look down and realize your body has changed with or without your consent. I would imagine that everyone’s response would be slightly different. Being an avid Pinterest user you see so many women embrace the changes and talk about the blessing of a miracle resting in their stomach. Unfortunately my moment wasn't so beautiful.

                My first trimester I was really good about eating all the right foods and did my pregnancy yoga almost every day! Oh I thought I had this pregnancy thing nipped in the butt! And when we would throw in a walk and some tennis now and again I felt like I was on top of this pregnancy. Not to mention I had very little morning sickness that only seemed to last about two weeks. Sadly the second trimester came. Just to clear the air I am happy about being pregnant, and love my child dearly! It is a miracle that is growing inside me. I see every day of her inside me as blessing. I was, however, unprepared for how different I would feel in each trimester.

                A lot of pregnancy books talk about smooth sailing in the second trimester. Maybe I was left off too easy in the first trimester that the pregnancy world thought that I got my share of miserable side effects of building a baby. If it were possible that all the energy could be sucked out of me at the same time for an extended period of time, then that definitely happened to me. I mean to get up in the morning and do yoga sounds like you are asking me to pull cement blocks that weigh 1,000 pounds each! It might sound a bit dramatic to some, but my body says otherwise. I wish to take naps instead of doing just about anything else, and it never matters how early I go to bed I still want to hit the snooze button in the morning. I have asked my nurse multiple times what I could be doing wrong. Am I not eating properly? Do I need to be doing more? With such a sweet smile she always replies “Today your body could be growing an ear, and it’s exhausting. Cut yourself a break and go take a nap.” Nope. That can’t be it. I must just be lazy I continue to think. My nurse, the only one who knows what she is talking about, is probably the only one that cuts me any kind of slack. Myself, and others seem to wonder why my body doesn't function as it did in the first trimester.

                The other day my husband thought it would be a good idea to take me to get some maternity garments. He had realized I had been a little frustrated and uncomfortable in my pre-pregnancy clothing. Now for a moment let me praise where praise is due. He helped me sort through racks trying to help find my new size and the right fit that I prefer. I believe he helped search for about half an hour. Before we eloped I would have never guessed that any husband would do such a daunting task, but I don’t think I could have picked a better partner if I had tried!  As I was in the fitting room trying things on it finally dawned on me that I really was pregnant. My belly had grown in what seemed overnight since I had yet to notice it. It took everything in me not to cry right then. I had never seen my body so drastically different. I understand why it was happening, but somehow my goal of only gaining the necessary weight that the baby needs had slipped from me and I was now in a bit of excess. Before I get the chants and raves about how we are supposed to gain weight during pregnancy hear me out. I was advised by my nurse and midwife to try and gain only the necessary weight. I had enough cushion that I didn’t need much more to still have a healthy baby. There are a lot of females that were raised to be conscious about their bodies and being able to fit certain measurements. I definitely was one of them. Being a chubby little girl I was reminded of it almost daily. Something about my rebel spirit hated the norm and wanted to fight back and let my body do as it wished, and the other part of me wanted to feel good and fit in. Continuously living with a back and forth struggle apparently came through in my pregnancy. I have heard that a lot of our dirty skeletons seem to creep out of the closet and haunt us while we are pregnant. Maybe it’s to help purge the crap in our lives before we take on the role of caring for another human being. I don’t really know. All I know is that my moment was not as pretty and the shame that came with that wasn’t pretty either.

                There always seems to be bright side though. I realized that there is a baby girl growing within me. I realized that there will always be standards spoken or unspoken about how a woman “should” be, and then the beauty hit me. In about four months I will be a mother to a little lady. She will learn what society has to tell her, but she will also learn what mommy lives out. I could keep the cycle going that I hate, or I can be aware from before she takes her first breath of air. I want to show her that we can be healthy and beautiful. That there is no need to go back and forth hating our bodies, but rather we can make good choices and have fun at the same time. It has taken me all of this time to realize that there is a balance that we can search for. The time delay probably has something to do with the act that I am very much wired to one way or another. I have never been an in between type of person. This can be good for things like marriage and work, but bad for things that need to find a middle ground. I also realized that what I truly saw in the mirror this week I thought I had been seeing for years. I had such a distorted view of what I looked like. So my delusions were shattered and now there is a new perspective for me and this little life growing inside me.  

I thought I was an adult until...

Starting to work and gain your freedom at sixteen makes you feel invincible.You think that money to blow on what ever you like is what it's all about! Then I moved out at 18 and felt a little burden by working three jobs and paying rent. Needless to say I moved back home while I prepared to leave for college. Two years of college under my belt and I decided to move here to Colorado. I knew about two people and after I found my apartment my coworkers became a family I depended on. Another year passed and knowing that I was able to keep myself alive and a roof over my head I thought that I was nailing this adult thing. 

So years of what I thought was experience and thinking I was an adult, but oh how I was so wrong!!

In this last year I am married, expecting my first child, came into a mortgage, and started a business. Now if that isn't a stiff jab into adulthood I don't know what is. We have gone through loss, struggle, uncertainty, change of career paths, buying a new car and everything in between. This year hasn't exactly been a picnic, but it has definitely been a year of learning and experience.

I have people that depend on me. Not the type of depending on me where a friend comes to me for advice because she has boy trouble, but like to keep us afloat and alive out here. I think this really hit me when I had to sign up for a baby registry. What is a good car seat? What type of crib should we buy? Should we register for a crib that is reasonably price but built of sub par material and laced with chemicals that my child will inhale, or go with the incredibly more expensive real wood crib?  Because of course anything of true quality in our chemically altered society is paid for in arms and legs, possibly an eyeball too! If you dare to place something on your registry you are seen as unreasonable and probably going to spoil your child rotten! Goodness me! What to do what to do? 

When I was growing up and people told me that every decision I made would have a consequence whether good or bad I didn't understand it until now. We live in a world where every parenting choice, marriage decision or personal change is placed under a microscope for all to have an opinion. It is a little odd in a world that fights for each persons right to choose on so many controversial topics, that each decision we make will be deemed right or wrong.This coming from a society that is chanting there is no absolute wrong or right anymore. 

Hmm I believe my rant just took a mind of its own. Haha. Well up until these last few weeks I thought I was an adult, and then I realized this is barely the starting gate. Welcome to Adulthood. You're not guaranteed to love it, but there are more perks than where you are coming from.Best of luck to us all!